Recap Rant: COtL, Chapter 6

OK. I'm trying to keep up here, but the author gets these bursts of writing time and/or inspiration and then I end up four chapters behind. This gets to be a little much since the chapters are so long, but do not fret, dear reader, because I am taking one for the team so you don't have to. ;)

Let me tell you how agonizing it is to know that a laptop that is to be yours is in the house, but you can't have it until Christmas. I haven't felt this keyed up about the big day in years, so that's something, right? I'd be able to do so much more right now, but I have to wait a whole week and a half before that happens. I can make it, right? RIGHT?!

Anyway, I'm trying this with the Windows 7 "Snap" feature, so I can view the story and this post at the same time so it's not as tough to flip back and forth and lose my place.

But enough about me (for now. I mean, it IS my blog). ONWARD.

Chapter 6: Dancing
This awesome chapter starts with an A/N about using her new horse intelligence that people gave her in PMs and reviews since she started this story. I've talked to people online who say her info is wrong, and there's a little info later in this post about where she went wrong and how simple it was to look it up.

And to make matters worse, she then goes on to say that she basically used the real town of Casper, Wyoming in name only, deciding that it didn't suit her needs for a backwater hick town where everyone talks with a Southern accent. Really? Why bother using a real town if you aren't actually using it? Why not just make up a town and go from there? Or if you wanted something more authentic, pick something in the Southern region that would fit what you have in mind? I suppose this isn't surprising, since she doesn't know quack about horses, either.

She also apologizes for her major punctuation faux pas when it comes to dialogue and closing dialogue tags. That's all fine and well, but if it's enough of an issue with your readers that you feel the need to apologize in your opening A/N, don't you think you'd seek out some assistance to fix the problem, instead of saying you're just as flawed as your fucked up Edward? That's not really something you'd want to be compared to, if you really thought about it.

Anyway, this chapter is another delightful journey into Edward's POV. He starts out all hunky-dory because of the relaxing night he had last night. You know, ignoring Bella, fighting with Bella, having a session with Dr. Bella and Dr. Frankencock, have HOURS of kinky sex, a shower and a massage. A massage that reminded him of his buttrape with Sir Kevin, except Bella reassured him throughout that it was her and not some creepy Dom with a fetish for the boy butt. He feels bad about their fight and how he wanted to leave for a while, but remembered the last time he did that: when he left his wife Tanya after a fight and came back to find her barbecued like a marshmallow and Katie burned but alive.

He did admit that it was his fault for his and Bella's fight (isn't it always the man's fault? I mean, isn't that what men are around for? J/k, really), and about how he hates how afraid of his feelings and how he didn't care before when he was a giant manwhore who took it any way his clients liked it. Except for buttrape. That wasn't so awesome for him. So, he goes on about how he likes when Bella is strong and defends him and how she and Stripper Emmett rescued him from Domme Raven's house when Victoria basically sold him to her and how raw her anger and defensive nature was for Edward. After pondering that for a minute or ten, he realized he needed to nut up and be a better man in general, boyfriend for Bella, and dad for Katie. Let's hope so on the last one, because no matter how much I wanted to bond with my daughter, I would NOT fake "marry" her because she loved me and was glad I was back in her scarred life. Then he has some dirty thoughts about Bella calling him Daddy and how sick that makes him. Are we shocked? No. These two can't stop thinking about bumping uglies no matter how dark their previous thoughts were.

Now Edward is on his way back to work and trying to bond with Bob in a cowboy way, over "cow piss"-like coffee. This made him pat himself on the back for being an awesome cook, and then about how Victoria made him such a slaved that he cooked and cleaned for her, gave her pedicures, and shaved her motherfucking legs. Now, ladies, I don't know about you, but I've seen how well guys do with razors when they shave their faces and I would not let one shave my legs. That's why they use the electric razors; they have those safety screens on them so they don't turn their faces into hamburger. I'm as lazy about shaving sometimes as the next gal, but no way would I make my man or slave shave my legs.

Back to the coffee. Bob is so freaking impressed by Edward's coffee and E is beaming like a kid who discovered Santa is real and actually does slip his mama the tongue every Christmas. Bob asks for Edward's secret and Edward refuses to tell, stating he's been trying to duplicate Starbuck's flavor for years. Darling Edward, you'd have to actually roast your own beans, hand picked by Colombians getting paid $5 a day to get the beans from the trees, and brew them a certain way before you could even come close to Starbuck's flavor. And then to say people have said yours is better? Sorry, sweetie, I think they were just trying to be nice. I know some people don't prefer Starbucks, and that's OK, but there's a lot more to having a certain flavor to coffee than picking out a tasty Coffeemate creamer to jazz it up and make it "unique."

When Bob lets on that he has no idea what Starbucks is, Edward has to hold back his conniption fit because Bob has not tasted the liquid manna from heaven. And Edward thinking that he'd die because he'd never tasted Starbucks before? If you've never tasted it, you wouldn't feel the need to die, right? But of course, this melancholic line of thought reminds him of Stripper Emmett making Sbux runs after a long night of stripping and stroking, and he misses Emmett and Stripper Jasper, too. Edward then has to remind himself that Bob is a friend now, too, and he needs to let down his walls some. He feels like such a sissy and that if he gets hurt one more time he'll break and never be fixed. He needs armor. Like Reynolds Wrap, only stronger. Maybe the kind for the ovens or something. That's tougher stuff, I think.

Then he asks Bob if he knows what a Slurpee is. /headdesk.

Now we switch to the lovely Bella's head. She starts her portion by berating herself on the way to school about how she'd treated Edward the night before, comparing herself to Victoria. As whiny as she is, I disagree with her, because she DIDN'T MAKE HIM SHAVE HER GODDAMN LEGS. Yet. I bet it's coming, though. Anyway, she gets herself so worked up over how she treated him, that she end up having to pull over and check out how her breakfast looks half digested. It burns! It burns!

Then some random person asks if she's okay before switching back to EPOV. YOUR POV CHANGES ARE GIVING ME WHIPLASH, AUTHOR DEAREST.

Now Edward is learning what boy horsies and girl horsies are called. Boys are geldings and girls are mares. I was told this was wrong, being woefully uneducated in horses myself, but since it was as simple for me to check Wikipedia for the correct information, I'm left to assume the author has trouble remembering Wiki's web address so she can be accurate too. Anyway, had she done a little research, and a little differentiation or more detail, she'd know that boy horses that are geldings are castrated. Unless this stable doesn't plan on studding their males, this is completely incorrect. The male horses (going chronologically from youngest to oldest) are either foals, yearlings, colts, or stallions. The same goes for females: they're either a foal, yearling, filly, or mare, depending on age. See how easy that was? I know Wiki isn't always reliable, but the horse page wasn't marked as incorrect, so I assume that the majority of horse people can agree on this info. The more you know, kids, the more you know.

So then Edward finds out he's being picked on for being the new guy, and that the horses eat out of mangers (Baby Jesus had better watch out) and not the plastic bowls. The horses were trying to communicate that the day before when they were attacking him during feeding time. The other cowboys apologized for being dicks and welcome to the Brokeback Family. He realized how badly he'd have fucked things up with Bella and Katie if he'd punked out and stopped working at the rodeo. Bob won a hundred bucks because no one else thought he'd come back the second day. Awesome.

The horses seemed to like him better today, except Psycho, who knows better and peed on him again. And apparently boy horse piss is appealing to "mares" (to which the author either entered in her own A/N about her new knowledge, or put an aside from Edward in parentheses). He talked to the horses as he went and they seemed to warm up to him. Then he has another idiot moment. He asks a horse whose name is Hot Gossip, if she knows where he can find a Slurpee machine in town, and was disappointed that the horse didn't say anything. A horse called Bella Donna flirted a little when he tipped his hat at her and he felt all virile because the Bellas seemed to have a thing for him.

Hark! I see a little correct info! Edward is talking to a horse he's grooming and remembers that the horse's dad was Apollo, another horse on the farm, and since Apollo mated, that meant he was a stallion, not a gelding who couldn't make behbeh horsies. Can I get an 'amen'?

While grooming horses, he's listening to the radio and hears a song come on that he'd danced to in the club and starts dancing for the horses. I am speechless. He's performing a stripper dance, sans actual stripping, for the horses. To make it better, the author inserts an A/N stating that she sucks at describing dance moves and that we should all just envision John Travolta dancing in "Staying Alive", though Edward is dancing to "Let's Get Lost" by Beck and Bat For Lashes from the Eclipse soundtrack.

Then.... he... starts... singing along. While dancing. And not just stripper dancing anymore, he's trying out some non-stripper dance moves, like a Baryshnikov in the making or something. He becomes empowered during all of this and I expect something from Rent to come from his mouth or something. He does a nearly impossible split and stand move that Stripper Emmett of all people taught him over the years. After the song is over and he's finally done, the horses applaud by snickering and whinnying at him. Which gets covered up by Bob applauding his mad dance skills, along with Sharon and a mystery woman that turns out to be Sharon's daughter Jenna. Jenna takes a liking to him like he's a freaking Chihuahua and she has a Louis Vuitton handbag with his name on it. Jenna turns out to be a horse rider, the star of the rodeo, and thinks that Edward's on to something with a dancing cowboy routine.

Jenna turns into this big slut who is suddenly keen on teaching Edward to ride the horses like she'd want him to ride her and Bob's like, "No! I'll teach him to ride... horses." Jenna says Bob's old and has a family to get home to and she has all the time in the world to ride... horses and teach Edward. Sharon says it's up to Edward and he picks Bob, thank fucking God. All we need is another fucked up love triangle and eighty chapters of hurt feelings and childish inner monologues. After it's settled and Jenna walks away, saying she'll see Edward around, the author decides it's time for another randomly placed A/N, going on about how she typed a line Bob said before she'd heard Rob say the same thing in the commentary for Eclipse. Really? Was it that necessary to put IN the chapter, instead of giggling about it in an A/N at the end?

So Bob explains how Jenna is newly single and has to be all strong woman in this hillbilly town. Whatever. I just see unnecessary trouble in the future. Misunderstandings abound, I'm sure.

So Edward asks Bob if he has anything to say about Edward's dancing, since he ended up shirtless at some point during the entertaining and Bob could have  seen his scars. Bob either plays dumb or didn't actually see them, and I don't care at this point. They make up and she switched to goddamn Bella's POV AGAIN for this chapter.

She's talking to her counselor, who happens to be some guy from the show Lost (Sorry, I've never seen it to say who's who), and she inserts ANOTHER motherfucking A/N talking about the counselor being the guy from Lost and how dreamy his is, though her loyalty is still with Edward. After that little nibble of joy, Bella describes what Counselor Josh looks like and what he sounds like and she pretty much needs a change of panties by the time she's done. Apparently he's the guy who asked if she was OK when she upchucked on the side of the road.

So after that embarrassment and guilt is worked through, they talk about how unfair it is that she can't transfer anything to this new school and has to start over. Um, if she's supposed to be someone who never went to that school in New York, isn't it moot, since she'd be giving her real identity away? She told Counselor Josh that she'd had to move and change her name, but nothing about why. Doesn't say she told him her old name, so maybe she wasn't a complete fuckwit who endangered everyone again.

So Counselor Josh offers his ear for her whenever she wants, being an actual psychiatrist, even though he can't really be her therapist because of conflict of interest. Then he writes her a note to get out of the rest of her classes. Wish I'd had a counselor like that in college. Jeez.

Anyway, I think I'll stop there, since this chapter was nearly 9k words alone and mashing it into one post with chapter 7 will just suck for you to read and me to write. :) Enjoy and leave some love!

Recap Rant: COtL, Chapters 4 & 5

Oh, dear readers. I know, I know. You shouldn't have to go this long without an update from me, seeing as there are six chapters to this story already. I hate that I have to make you wait, too, but since I share this computer with two other adults and we all have to get our time in before grandpa goes to bed at 10 p.m., my writing time is limited. Fortunately, the family is occupied with football every Sunday, so that gives me a huge chunk of time to write. Expect updates on Sundays.

However, I SHOULD be getting a new laptop in the next couple of weeks (WHOOPEE!), so I will be able to update whenever the hell I feel like it then. :)

Til then, ONWARD to the fuckery that is Chapters 4 & 5.

Chapter 4: Enough Hiding

But do you REALLY think it's enough hiding? I don't. These people should just hide out forever, cause this mess ain't getting any better.

This chapter starts out in Bella's POV, and she can tell Edward's faking "happy daddy" with Katie to hide his shitty-- literally --day. He makes up stories about how awesome and nice the horsies were, which placates Katie. Edward notices Bella is quiet, being the observant Dr. Bella she is, and she fakes a headache. Yep. The excuse to keep your man at bay for any reason for thousands of years.

Edward finally gets around to asking Bella how her day was at the new college, and she goes on about the teachers and classes and nice people, which automatically sets Edward off into jealous-land because he thinks guys are hitting on her. Oh no, sweetie. Not when she has FRANKENCOCK waiting for her at home!

After dinner, Edward showers. Apparently the walls are thin in the entire house, because you can hear anything going on in another room. Like Edward moaning in cleansing ecstasy trying to get the horse shit residue off. Bella hears this and starts getting hot to trot since the good Dr. Frankendickie hasn't made an appearance in her mystical cavern in a while and she's feeling the loss. She has to maintain the "kitten in the kitchen" when Katie asks for fashion advice, which then sends her off on an inner monologue and introspect about her old buddies Alice and Rosalie. Of course, Alice was a fashionista (there's a new one, right?), which was why Katie's fashion choices set off the nostalgia. Bella misses talking to them about boy stuff and wishes she could ask them for advice as to why Edward's acting like a pansy-ass liar this time. Bella even remembers a child-like slumber party they had once where Alice vowed they'd be friends forever. Let me tell ya something, Bells. I made promises like that to friends when I was in middle school, maybe even high school. What happened? People got popular, and/or they CHANGED FOR A BOY/MAN. Kinda like you did. You got involved with an emotionally fucked up stripper and your inner fixer-upper decided he was way more important than maintaining friendships forever. Hindsight's always 20/20, ain't it?

Anyway, Bella gets sucked into more nostalgic pondering when Ben muttering at the TV gets her missing Charlie. Again. Guess entering this whole WitSec thing for love wasn't very well thought out on your part, huh? The way you and Edward complain about how much life sucks because it changed so much, you probably should have parted ways or something. This is a disaster in the making.

When Edward's done in the shower, Katie cockblocks Bella again, making Edward help pick out clothes for school the next day. Bella ends up sitting with Ben and watching TV, where Ben notices she's sad and how Edward's in the doghouse. Ben apparently is much like Charlie, which means there are a lot more sad Bella memory times to come, I'm sure. Bella ends up inviting herself to the fashion party, since Angela is also in there with Edward and Katie. Edward is teaching Katie the awesomeness that is layering shirts, to which Katie promptly kicks everyone out so she can try it on.

So with a second alone, Bella ends up making out with Edward's hands since he was bitching about how he's getting "cowboy hands" from working all day. She kisses and licks them and I get a little vomit in my mouth. She suggests taking a walk because she wants to be naughty and do it in the woods. Edward says no, since he's already showered and in pj's, and his widdle feetsies hurt him, so Bella's like, "Okey dokey. I'mma be all drama queen in my room for a while." She's super jealous that Katie "owns" Edward now, since she's his kid and Bella's just his girlfriend-slash-unlicensed therapist. So she makes a list of what she wants to talk about with Edward in their "therapy session" later that night; things like Edward pretending everything is OK, and ignoring Bella completely when he comes home from work.

In the middle of this, Edward comes in and Bitter Bella starts slinging venom about how he's ignoring her and how she's girl number two in his life. They have a little tiff that ends with Bella making the comment about how she could understand Tanya wanting to go out with other people all the time, since there was no getting between him and Katie. Cue sad Edward and Bella chomping on one of her clumsy feet, since she stuck it in her mouth but good. Cue Bella crying and apologizing, then Edward apologizing and telling her not to cry, then saying how he knows he's in trouble with her but loves her and blah, blah, blah, mush, mush, mush, GAG.

Then they have sex. It involves them playing doctor with each other, and the mention of leakage from Bella's hooha is just the CHERRY on that wonderful, fucked-up kink fest that goes on for HOURS. HOURS, I tell you. I sometimes skim lemons, and I tried to with this one, but there was so much to laugh at that I just had to read it all. You can, if you want, but if you'd rather not, trust me when I say they are crazies who should probably never reproduce. Ever.

They decide to shower and Edward WILL tell her what the fuck is up with him. End of chapter. Good. LORD. Let's see what Chapter 5 holds, hm?

Chapter 5: Close Your Mouth, Ben!
Of course, the title is more grammatically correct than most of the chapter. Whatever. I suppose you can't fuck up that sentence too badly anyway.

Still in Bella's head, which is always a joy, right? She starts off the session, but doesn't do it like they used to, which makes Edward pouty. So she announces the session like she used to when they first met: "Edward Cullen- session 2 million." Oh, sweetpea, if this were REALLY the 2 millionth session with him, and he's STILL this fucked up, maybe you should get a pharmacological certification or whatever on your degree so you can get that boy some good drugs.

Anyway, they start off with how Edward's day went. Bella called him out on his bullshit stories that he fed Katie, citing that while it was OK to make them sound a little better for her, he could tell Bella what really happened. She knew how working with horses was, having gone to a horse camp when she was a kid and learned the same lessons Edward learned on the first day. Edward's ashamed that he sucked so badly at it and Bella assures him that they have no shame since they just had a kinkfest at the end of the last chapter. ShuTTer. Does anyone happen to remember if Wardo ever got tested during The Red Line? I mean, he was a whore and Bella is too interested in his Dr. Patchwork Dingaling to make a fuss, so I was just wondering.

Bella makes Edward talk about some of the nice things that happened, like Sharon and Bob being such awesome folks who made him feel not so much like a bumbling dipshit (which was a huge favor they did him, since he was a bumbling dipshit with the attitude of an eight year old). He also admitted to letting Victoria in his head and his fear of Bob going Brokeback Mountain on him when they were alone because of what Sir Kevin (a creepy Dom that had the hots for dear Edward and a penchant for being too rough) had done to Edward in the last story. Bella gently reminds him that his progress is great and he'll do even better when he sees a real doctor and he refuses to see anyone but Bella for his psychological pleasure. Edward says no, and then gets all pissy when Bella says Katie needs to see a doctor too. Um, Edward, I know living in your head seems to be this wonderful place full of horrible memories and kinky sexy times, but you DO realize your daughter was severely burned, had to go through a bunch of horrible and emotionally taxing surgeries, deal with the death of her mom and the loss of you, AND get made fun of by other kids for looking the way she did (because the little bastards are assholes. I blame the parents)? Doesn't that set off SOME alarm that she'll need help just like you do?

Bella calls him out for all of his whining (pot, meet kettle. You're made for each other) and how she's sick of it. When Edward whines about Casper not having any Slurpees (REALLY?! THAT'S what you miss?), she goes apeshit on him because of all she lost because of him: her friends, her father-- who lost his leg trying to help them, their home and everything. Bella even has to start school from scratch because her credits wouldn't transfer, since technically "Isabella Swan" isn't going to school in Casper, "Marie Whateverthefucklastname" is.

So then Bella is like, "Why don't you act all slutty with me anymore? Why do you ignore me when you come home and then not want to have sex (except the hours long fuckfest we just had)?" He's like, "I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT HIT, GO AWAY BEFORE I GET HULKSMASH!" Bella doesn't and keeps pushing, so Edward's like, "FINE, I WAS BUTTRAPED BY SIR KEVIN." Apparently, during the sting that happened in the last story, when they were trying to get shit to go down so Victoria would go to jail and Edward would be free, Edward had a police bug in his mouth that he chomped on "accidentally" so that Bella and Charlie and whoever else wouldn't hear the non-consensual sexytimes that happened. So Bella is shocked and Edward admits that he didn't want her to think less of him because of it and how he has a hard time getting past it and how he's afraid she'll be like, "Fuck you guys, I'm going home."

So they apologize to each other, Edward admits he needs real therapy and he'll find someone, and they go to bed. Bella gives him a non-sexual massage to help him relax, and they cuddle all night.

But wait, there's more! Because these chapters have to be 7k words long to fit in all the crazy!

Edward makes breakfast the next morning, dressed and ready to work. He acts more like Dadward instead of Buddy-to-my-kid-ward, and Bella is impressed. Katie gets dragged out for breakfast, where she eats an M&M pancake drowned in syrup (oh, her poor teacher, dealing with sugared out kids), and Edward confesses to her that his job isn't all rainbows and sunshine.

Bella notices that Ben and Angela aren't up yet, which is weird because they always see Katie off for school (you know, cause today is only her second day of actually going to school). Edward points out that maybe they were kept awake by their wailing in the throes of passion the night before, and Bella becomes mortified. The grandparents eventually get up and come out for breakfast and Bella can't look at them in her embarrassment. Edward, being cheeky, asked what they did last night, and Ben is like, "We watched some TV. Oh, and then I got laid." He then THANKS them for being so noisy, because apparently aural voyeurism turns them on and they got busy. Edward and Ben have a chuckle about it all and Bella decides to escape and get ready for school. When she's done, she mentions that the marshals are coming over that evening and that's why they got a call the day before. I'm wondering if they really are coming, or if there's a plot twist coming with "fake agents" who are really mob people coming to get revenge. I'm probably over thinking it, but I can't help it with the crap that's been pulled in these stories before. Lol.

Edward gets ready for work and Katie ready for school like a responsible father, there's some creepy sexual innuendo that happens between Edward and Bella, and Bella starts calling on Angry Bella over Edward's Sir Kevin buttrape confession from the night before.

Good gravy, this stuff just keeps getting better and better. Chapter 6 is up, too, but I haven't read it yet. Hopefully I'll get to it before next weekend and be able to update before Sunday. If not, hopefully expect another Rant next weekend. :) Since the chapter is almost 8k words long, expect another lengthy post, even though it should only contain one chapter's Rant. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to read it on the computer and construct the rant at the same time so I don't have to re-skim it later.

I bid you adieu and hope you find this as hilarious as I do! :D

Recap Rant: COtL, Chapters 2 & 3

This post was supposed to happen a week ago, but every time I sit down at the computer, a parental unit comes in and bitches about me being on the computer all the time and what I should be doing instead.

So, now that they are involved in whatever lame TV show that's on right now, I present the Recap Rant for chapters 2 and 3 of Coloring Outside the Lines.

Chapter 2: Square Peg
Edward starts off hating his new coworker/boss Bob. They haven't even done anything at the job yet, he just hates him for being poked fun at. Oh, Edward, really? Did you not expect to get a little ribbing for being a pansy-city boy starting a stable job at the rodeo? THEN he freaks out because he thinks he's going to actually be riding IN the rodeo. Silly boy, it's not that simple. No way would the author harm your butt in the rodeo ring just yet. I'm sure it's coming, since left-field stuff like that seems to happen to you often. Freed Eagle, anyone?

So Bob takes him around and shows him the stables where he's supposed to be working and Edward notices he's experiencing his first sunrise in a long time and almost has a breakdown thinking about how he's always slept through them because of his past "life". Let me tell you something, cowboy. I miss sunrises all the time, and it ain't because I was out whoring around all night. I sleep in because once I get a real job, I'll be seeing sunrises until I die. End of story. He then muses about how nice the made up little town is and how you can see the moon and everyone is so gosh darned nice. Then he almost has a freak out because Bob touched his shoulder in that manly way. Bob caught on and didn't judge, even telling the horse lady, Sharon, that Edward isn't into the touchy-feely. Then he sucks it up and hugs Sharon and then berates himself for not hugging her properly. I haven't the words, kids, I just don't.

Deep breaths, you'll get over it once the sun is up and you're sweating your ass off.

And sweat it he does, fellow readers. Not only does he work his ass off feeding the horses and mucking their stalls, he also gets bullied by the horses. Oh yes, bullied. They bite at him, head butt him, try to kick him, and even piss and shit on him. Bob tells him he's gotta lay down the law, cause the horses won't wait for food. Sounds like my cat. I've gotten many scratches and bites because I didn't dump her food fast enough. Little fuzzball knows her place now that I've flung her across the room (don't worry, animal lovers, she didn't hit a wall or anything. I made sure she landed on my bed or a pile of clean clothes just fine). Edward needs to do something like that. Fling a horse across the stable so the horses know he won't take any shit from them. Maybe bring in a bottle of glue and say something like, "Boy, I sure miss Sonuvagun, but I don't miss his bad behavior. Good thing he comes in this handy bottle to carry with me all the time now." That'll show them horses.

To get through all of this, Edward resorts to remembering Victoria and her voice and how she used to degrade him when he did anything, using it to drive him through the tasks and "show" her he wasn't a fuck-up loser anymore. Good on ya, Edward, but probably not the best method. We'll see if this makes things worse in the future.

When he learns to groom the horses, the horse called Psycho shits on him while he's brushing it's tail. No need for further detail on this one, folks.

Bob tells him it's okay to work shirtless, but Edward declines because of the scars he sustained from Raven in the last story. Understood. He even goes all submissive-like with Bob, hoping he catches on and drops the subject, but it's not until he tries to touch Edward on the shoulder again and Edward flips out that he gets the hint again. Oy.

Throughout the day Edward constantly worries what Katie will think of him, how she'd love the horses and how she'd hate him for hating the horses. Then, during lunch, Edward and Bob have a heart to heart about how much Edward sucks at the job and Bob reassuring him that he'll get the hang of it in no time. After lunch, where Edward finds a cute little note from Bella and Katie in his lunchbox, they take a dip in the lake out back, with their clothes on. I don't know about you, but working in a wet shirt and wet jeans would NOT be the best way to get through my day working a shitty job. Anyway, Bob apologizes for making Edward feel uncomfortable with the touchy-feely stuff, and even offers to be Edward's mentor, since Bob had one many moons ago when he started. Edward accepts and that's how chapter 2 ends.

There was so much whining I wanted to smack him. Being in his head gives me a headache. Oy.

Chapter 3: Paging Dr. Frankencock!
Wow, I'd forgotten that lovely nickname for Edward and his leviathan peen from The Red Line. I suppose it's a homage to how large his man junk is and whatnot, but all I can think about is a penis that looks like patchwork with stitching and different skin tones to complete the look. I'm a little grossed out, myself. Sorry if you are now, too.

Anywho, now we're in Bella's head. Slightly better, though there is still whining. She's thinking about her dad and how she had to leave him behind to be in WitSec with Edward in Podunk, Wyoming. Then she worries about how Edward needs therapy, and how he won't go see an actual licensed therapist. That line of thinking leads her to how she has to be all Dominatrix with him to get him to open up, which leads her to think about her sexual frustration. Good lord.

She manages to go on and talk about the idyllic campus of Casper College and how lovely and wonderful it is and has everything she needs to finish school. Oh, and it's super cheap because of Wyoming's exports. No one told me this. My life could be a lot better if I could have attended a fictional college in Wyoming that is dirt cheap. SallieMae wouldn't own my soul for eternity, that's for sure.

I digress. She gets home from school and has the warm fuzzies over playing house with Edward and Katie and how they're so connected: one feels bad and the other feels it, and Edward likes to hide his feelings. Shock! Awe! NO WAY!

Katie distracts her by babbling about school and the local ghost stories and how much fun she had. Then she goes on about what she learned about their new hometown and how Daddy needs to try out for the local baseball team (the Casper Ghosts. Original, yeah?), and how the town started with a bunch of Irish people back in the day. If that's TRUE in this made up world, why the hick accents, hmmmmmm? I'm not saying everyone should be talking with brogues about bangers and mash and cleaning the loo while drinking a pint of Guinness, but they aren't backwater hicks, as was stated in the last post. Whatever.

Ben, Katie's grandpa on her mom's side, is on the receiving end of a Katie fit because Christmas does NOT get abbreviated with an X at the beginning. We're treated to a little jesting on Ben's part about his Post-It addiction and leaving notes all over the house to remind himself of stuff. I do that all the time. Reminds me of the crap I need to get done and ignore to read fic and knit instead. It adds a little color to a room.

*GASP* The phone rings! This is a big deal for them in Bumfuck, Wyoming, because while they're in WitSec, the only time they get calls is from the po-po if something happens, or the doctor if someone is sick or whatever. Bella and Ben freak the fuck out because they're afraid their old lives are coming to get them, or maybe something horrible happened to Edward, and WOULDN'T THAT JUST SUCK A LOAD?!

Once the cop tells Bella everything is okay, nothing happened to Edward, he just lets her know that the marshalls will be dropping by for a visit the following evening and he wanted to give them a heads up. Once Bella is off the phone, Katie cries and Ben is freaking out saying he's going to pick Edward up from his job because everyone is so worried and freaked out now. Bella reassures Katie that everything is going to be okay and that Daddy worked really hard and fought a lot of bad people so they could get away and live in Tiny Town, Wyoming.

Once Katie and Bella finish their big talk about how nothing is going to happen and they're hopefully never going to move again (AWESOME.), Katie reveals how kids used to scream at her when she was still looking like the burn victim she was. This makes Bella cry and she promises that she'll always be there for her and so will Grandma Angela and Grandpa Ben.

The chapter gets a little lighter when Bella starts dinner and has an inner monologue about the different goofy names she calls Katie every day, citing that Ooop Ooop Ooplefski was her favorite so far. Uh-huh. I see that one sticking around forever. And ever. Freed Eagle and his daughter Ooop Ooop Ooplefski. Wonderful.

Edward comes home and freaks Katie out by pretending he worked himself so hard he died when she opened the door to let him in. Bella turns into excited-puppy-Bella at seeing her man come home, but then turns into bitter Bella when Edward pretty much ignores her to watch SpongeBob with Katie until dinnertime.


That's it for now, and BOY will chapters 4 & 5 be even better! Those will come next as a lump Recap Rant, hopefully sooner rather than later, and before she decides to update again! It's a little rough reading 6k+ words per chapter on a Palm Pixi screen and then skimming it again later to make sure I catch the good stuff for here!

Enjoy and leave some love and opinions on what you thought of the chapters or the recaps or whatever! :D

The Birth of Something... Well, Interesting, If Not Good

OK, kids, since I'm le suck on writing my own story as of late, for the reasons stated in previous posts (which are ongoing, sadly), I have decided that besides updates about my own writing, I will make this a place for hopefully hilarious recaps and other shenanigans involving other fics I'm reading. I know that some of this (okay, maybe all of it) will be offensive or downright mean, and who the hell am I to criticize others when I can't keep an update schedule of my own and write blockbuster fic of my own? Well, I can be a nice person, and I will point out the merits of the stories I write about, but come ON. If something is so bad that it deserves discussion, it will be had. Sorry. It's inevitable.

That's not to say I won't post positive reviews and recaps here. I love reading good fic and do believe that a good fic deserves it's dues and a little more traffic for the author so they can be fully appreciated. However, I'm too much of a sarcastic and cynic not to pass up recapping and poking a little fun at the bad fics out there.

Today's victim: Coloring Outside the Lines, which happens to be the sequel to a gem called The Red Line.

For those of you not familiar with The Red Line, it was a Twi-fanfic, E/B, AH, rated M. Bella was a psychology major at university and was dragged to a strip club by her friends, where she met Edward, who was a male stripper working off his debt to the club owner, Victoria. His parents had disowned him when he married his wife, Tanya, and had a daughter named Katie. After a tragedy killed Tanya and horribly scarred Katie, he ended up borrowing money from Victoria to pay for Katie's surgeries, hence his indenture servitude as a male stripper and gigolo. Bella decided he would be a good person to use for one of her case studies for class, and in turn, he ended up opening up her sensual side. Of course, they fell in love and had to overcome Victoria's hold on him. It was a great story until the author jumped the shark with a dream about Edward's parents being vampires, which would have been more plausible if it weren't a dream, and instead went on to talk about how Carlisle was having an illicit affair with Tanya and couldn't overcome his feelings for her once Edward started dating her, which is why his parents ended up cutting him off. There were other shenanigans, including Native Americans being insulted through a parade (and, thus Edward being named Freed Eagle), Victoria and her brother James dying, and a creepy "wedding" between Edward and Katie at the end because she loved her daddy so much. Emmett and Jasper are strippers at the club, too, and they're sorta friends with Edward. I can't remember every awesome detail of this story, and am afraid to subject myself to re-reading for accuracy here.

Also, at some point in the story, the author decided that using proper punctuation to close dialogue was too much trouble, and added a comma after everything a person said. She was also fond of using the word "pecks" to talk about pectoral muscles on man ("pecs" being the correct term).

Okay, so now onto chapter one of the delightful sequel. Looking past the theme with the same punctuation issues, as well as a few minor, yet glaring, grammatical mishaps (which I shouldn't really criticize, since I'm not Queen Grammar, but these were OBVIOUS), this is starting out as awesome as it ended. Since Edward, Bella and Katie had to go into protective custody, along with Edward's in-laws, Angela and Ben, they've been transplanted to Wyoming, where Edward is now a cowboy and Bella is still finishing up her psych degree. We begin the chapter with a creeptacular dream that Edward is tied up and being whipped by Victoria for running away from her when he wasn't freed from her, and Katie being there to watch. We're almost subjecting to a nauseating scene of Katie having to service Edward orally as punishment before Bella thankfully manages to wake Edward up before we have to read it.

Now, I understand there would be PTSD symptoms after a horrendous life of being beaten and tortured and forced into the sex trade, but really?! Did we really have to go there and quick everyone out right from the get go? Couldn't we just leave it to him dreaming about being beaten and maybe have Bella there instead of his small daughter?

Moving on. Bella reassures Edward that things will be okay, and that Edward really needs to see someone to talk about his past so he can heal and move on. Edward insists that she do it, since she helped him get free from his crappy former life, but Bella explains that he really wanted to get out, she just helped. She's also not certified to counsel him yet, and even though she'll listen to him, she can't really treat him. Brava, Bella, for not trying to fix everything in this fic. Yet. I'm sure it's coming, since she's a go-getter who wants to fix her Edward. Edward also shares his fears with Bella about allowing Katie to go to school for the first time ever. She's seven years old and since she's been having so many surgeries to fix the burns on her body, I guess she was tutored for a couple of years or something. Apparently the education of a child isn't really important the story when there are lemons and creepy marriages happening instead. Katie's really psyched to dress like a cowgirl, though, so at least she's adjusting to the new life.

Once things settle for the night, Edward wakes up the next morning, still having his separation anxiety over Katie going to school (which will have two plainclothes police officers to watch over her; awesome) and about his new job, WHICH HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT. He doesn't know what the job is, just that he has to dress in shit-kickers and a cowboy hat. Wouldn't the witness protection people at least give him SOME heads up so that he could be a little more relaxed or prepared for the first day? He's to be picked up at the end of the driveway by some dude in a truck with a bunch of other dudes in the back. WHY IS THIS OK, WITSEC?! Really? Did they make sure every guy was OK to drive off into the dusty sunrise with?

Oh, and the fact that he and Bella think that Wyoming folk talk like Billy Bob's second cousin from Alabama who got lost looking for Indian casinos and decided to stay in Wyoming is just a glimpse of the awesome joys we'll be facing throughout the story. Bella reminds him of his new name-- Anthony Masen --and that sends him into an inner monologue about hating his new name, new life, and how he doesn't want to be called Tony. Um, sweetie, what nickname you'll be called is the least of your worries right now. The way you're thinking, you should be wondering if any of your new coworkers will tell you that you have a pretty mouth and leer at you.

After breakfast and good-byes, the truck of workers comes to pick up Edward/Anthony. They can obviously tell right away that he's a city boy, and fuck around with him a little, asking if he wants and cow piss to drink on the way. Once the boys have a laugh and explain it's really coffee, they just call it Ant, all is well on the journey to work, setting aside Edward's worry for Katie. He FINALLY asks what the work is they'll be doing and the guy he's sitting with tells him that they'll be working at the rodeo. THE. RO. DE. O. O.M.G, this is the set-up for a story of epic proportions.

You can look at this story and see some very sweet moments and happy things going on, but there's so much else going on to tarnish it that it's tough. I had so many "wtf" moments while reading this chapter that I couldn't contain my laughter. I just couldn't. The future chapters promise to be just as lulz-inducing, even though I'm sure the author is not aiming for that reaction from her readers. This story could be EPIC. Which sort of epic is still in the air, but at least it can comfortably sit in that category.

Anyway, that's it for the first chapter of Coloring Outside the Lines. Please keep all discussion here in the comments section of the blog. Don't take the drama elsewhere. That's not the intention of this place, m'kay? If ya'll can't play nice, I won't do this anymore, AND THIS SHIT IS TOO FUNNY NOT TO WRITE ABOUT.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American peeps, and Happy Thursday to everyone else! :D