The Birth of Something... Well, Interesting, If Not Good

OK, kids, since I'm le suck on writing my own story as of late, for the reasons stated in previous posts (which are ongoing, sadly), I have decided that besides updates about my own writing, I will make this a place for hopefully hilarious recaps and other shenanigans involving other fics I'm reading. I know that some of this (okay, maybe all of it) will be offensive or downright mean, and who the hell am I to criticize others when I can't keep an update schedule of my own and write blockbuster fic of my own? Well, I can be a nice person, and I will point out the merits of the stories I write about, but come ON. If something is so bad that it deserves discussion, it will be had. Sorry. It's inevitable.

That's not to say I won't post positive reviews and recaps here. I love reading good fic and do believe that a good fic deserves it's dues and a little more traffic for the author so they can be fully appreciated. However, I'm too much of a sarcastic and cynic not to pass up recapping and poking a little fun at the bad fics out there.

Today's victim: Coloring Outside the Lines, which happens to be the sequel to a gem called The Red Line.

For those of you not familiar with The Red Line, it was a Twi-fanfic, E/B, AH, rated M. Bella was a psychology major at university and was dragged to a strip club by her friends, where she met Edward, who was a male stripper working off his debt to the club owner, Victoria. His parents had disowned him when he married his wife, Tanya, and had a daughter named Katie. After a tragedy killed Tanya and horribly scarred Katie, he ended up borrowing money from Victoria to pay for Katie's surgeries, hence his indenture servitude as a male stripper and gigolo. Bella decided he would be a good person to use for one of her case studies for class, and in turn, he ended up opening up her sensual side. Of course, they fell in love and had to overcome Victoria's hold on him. It was a great story until the author jumped the shark with a dream about Edward's parents being vampires, which would have been more plausible if it weren't a dream, and instead went on to talk about how Carlisle was having an illicit affair with Tanya and couldn't overcome his feelings for her once Edward started dating her, which is why his parents ended up cutting him off. There were other shenanigans, including Native Americans being insulted through a parade (and, thus Edward being named Freed Eagle), Victoria and her brother James dying, and a creepy "wedding" between Edward and Katie at the end because she loved her daddy so much. Emmett and Jasper are strippers at the club, too, and they're sorta friends with Edward. I can't remember every awesome detail of this story, and am afraid to subject myself to re-reading for accuracy here.

Also, at some point in the story, the author decided that using proper punctuation to close dialogue was too much trouble, and added a comma after everything a person said. She was also fond of using the word "pecks" to talk about pectoral muscles on man ("pecs" being the correct term).

Okay, so now onto chapter one of the delightful sequel. Looking past the theme with the same punctuation issues, as well as a few minor, yet glaring, grammatical mishaps (which I shouldn't really criticize, since I'm not Queen Grammar, but these were OBVIOUS), this is starting out as awesome as it ended. Since Edward, Bella and Katie had to go into protective custody, along with Edward's in-laws, Angela and Ben, they've been transplanted to Wyoming, where Edward is now a cowboy and Bella is still finishing up her psych degree. We begin the chapter with a creeptacular dream that Edward is tied up and being whipped by Victoria for running away from her when he wasn't freed from her, and Katie being there to watch. We're almost subjecting to a nauseating scene of Katie having to service Edward orally as punishment before Bella thankfully manages to wake Edward up before we have to read it.

Now, I understand there would be PTSD symptoms after a horrendous life of being beaten and tortured and forced into the sex trade, but really?! Did we really have to go there and quick everyone out right from the get go? Couldn't we just leave it to him dreaming about being beaten and maybe have Bella there instead of his small daughter?

Moving on. Bella reassures Edward that things will be okay, and that Edward really needs to see someone to talk about his past so he can heal and move on. Edward insists that she do it, since she helped him get free from his crappy former life, but Bella explains that he really wanted to get out, she just helped. She's also not certified to counsel him yet, and even though she'll listen to him, she can't really treat him. Brava, Bella, for not trying to fix everything in this fic. Yet. I'm sure it's coming, since she's a go-getter who wants to fix her Edward. Edward also shares his fears with Bella about allowing Katie to go to school for the first time ever. She's seven years old and since she's been having so many surgeries to fix the burns on her body, I guess she was tutored for a couple of years or something. Apparently the education of a child isn't really important the story when there are lemons and creepy marriages happening instead. Katie's really psyched to dress like a cowgirl, though, so at least she's adjusting to the new life.

Once things settle for the night, Edward wakes up the next morning, still having his separation anxiety over Katie going to school (which will have two plainclothes police officers to watch over her; awesome) and about his new job, WHICH HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT. He doesn't know what the job is, just that he has to dress in shit-kickers and a cowboy hat. Wouldn't the witness protection people at least give him SOME heads up so that he could be a little more relaxed or prepared for the first day? He's to be picked up at the end of the driveway by some dude in a truck with a bunch of other dudes in the back. WHY IS THIS OK, WITSEC?! Really? Did they make sure every guy was OK to drive off into the dusty sunrise with?

Oh, and the fact that he and Bella think that Wyoming folk talk like Billy Bob's second cousin from Alabama who got lost looking for Indian casinos and decided to stay in Wyoming is just a glimpse of the awesome joys we'll be facing throughout the story. Bella reminds him of his new name-- Anthony Masen --and that sends him into an inner monologue about hating his new name, new life, and how he doesn't want to be called Tony. Um, sweetie, what nickname you'll be called is the least of your worries right now. The way you're thinking, you should be wondering if any of your new coworkers will tell you that you have a pretty mouth and leer at you.

After breakfast and good-byes, the truck of workers comes to pick up Edward/Anthony. They can obviously tell right away that he's a city boy, and fuck around with him a little, asking if he wants and cow piss to drink on the way. Once the boys have a laugh and explain it's really coffee, they just call it Ant, all is well on the journey to work, setting aside Edward's worry for Katie. He FINALLY asks what the work is they'll be doing and the guy he's sitting with tells him that they'll be working at the rodeo. THE. RO. DE. O. O.M.G, this is the set-up for a story of epic proportions.

You can look at this story and see some very sweet moments and happy things going on, but there's so much else going on to tarnish it that it's tough. I had so many "wtf" moments while reading this chapter that I couldn't contain my laughter. I just couldn't. The future chapters promise to be just as lulz-inducing, even though I'm sure the author is not aiming for that reaction from her readers. This story could be EPIC. Which sort of epic is still in the air, but at least it can comfortably sit in that category.

Anyway, that's it for the first chapter of Coloring Outside the Lines. Please keep all discussion here in the comments section of the blog. Don't take the drama elsewhere. That's not the intention of this place, m'kay? If ya'll can't play nice, I won't do this anymore, AND THIS SHIT IS TOO FUNNY NOT TO WRITE ABOUT.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American peeps, and Happy Thursday to everyone else! :D