Recap Rant: COtL, Chapters 2 & 3

This post was supposed to happen a week ago, but every time I sit down at the computer, a parental unit comes in and bitches about me being on the computer all the time and what I should be doing instead.

So, now that they are involved in whatever lame TV show that's on right now, I present the Recap Rant for chapters 2 and 3 of Coloring Outside the Lines.

Chapter 2: Square Peg
Edward starts off hating his new coworker/boss Bob. They haven't even done anything at the job yet, he just hates him for being poked fun at. Oh, Edward, really? Did you not expect to get a little ribbing for being a pansy-city boy starting a stable job at the rodeo? THEN he freaks out because he thinks he's going to actually be riding IN the rodeo. Silly boy, it's not that simple. No way would the author harm your butt in the rodeo ring just yet. I'm sure it's coming, since left-field stuff like that seems to happen to you often. Freed Eagle, anyone?

So Bob takes him around and shows him the stables where he's supposed to be working and Edward notices he's experiencing his first sunrise in a long time and almost has a breakdown thinking about how he's always slept through them because of his past "life". Let me tell you something, cowboy. I miss sunrises all the time, and it ain't because I was out whoring around all night. I sleep in because once I get a real job, I'll be seeing sunrises until I die. End of story. He then muses about how nice the made up little town is and how you can see the moon and everyone is so gosh darned nice. Then he almost has a freak out because Bob touched his shoulder in that manly way. Bob caught on and didn't judge, even telling the horse lady, Sharon, that Edward isn't into the touchy-feely. Then he sucks it up and hugs Sharon and then berates himself for not hugging her properly. I haven't the words, kids, I just don't.

Deep breaths, you'll get over it once the sun is up and you're sweating your ass off.

And sweat it he does, fellow readers. Not only does he work his ass off feeding the horses and mucking their stalls, he also gets bullied by the horses. Oh yes, bullied. They bite at him, head butt him, try to kick him, and even piss and shit on him. Bob tells him he's gotta lay down the law, cause the horses won't wait for food. Sounds like my cat. I've gotten many scratches and bites because I didn't dump her food fast enough. Little fuzzball knows her place now that I've flung her across the room (don't worry, animal lovers, she didn't hit a wall or anything. I made sure she landed on my bed or a pile of clean clothes just fine). Edward needs to do something like that. Fling a horse across the stable so the horses know he won't take any shit from them. Maybe bring in a bottle of glue and say something like, "Boy, I sure miss Sonuvagun, but I don't miss his bad behavior. Good thing he comes in this handy bottle to carry with me all the time now." That'll show them horses.

To get through all of this, Edward resorts to remembering Victoria and her voice and how she used to degrade him when he did anything, using it to drive him through the tasks and "show" her he wasn't a fuck-up loser anymore. Good on ya, Edward, but probably not the best method. We'll see if this makes things worse in the future.

When he learns to groom the horses, the horse called Psycho shits on him while he's brushing it's tail. No need for further detail on this one, folks.

Bob tells him it's okay to work shirtless, but Edward declines because of the scars he sustained from Raven in the last story. Understood. He even goes all submissive-like with Bob, hoping he catches on and drops the subject, but it's not until he tries to touch Edward on the shoulder again and Edward flips out that he gets the hint again. Oy.

Throughout the day Edward constantly worries what Katie will think of him, how she'd love the horses and how she'd hate him for hating the horses. Then, during lunch, Edward and Bob have a heart to heart about how much Edward sucks at the job and Bob reassuring him that he'll get the hang of it in no time. After lunch, where Edward finds a cute little note from Bella and Katie in his lunchbox, they take a dip in the lake out back, with their clothes on. I don't know about you, but working in a wet shirt and wet jeans would NOT be the best way to get through my day working a shitty job. Anyway, Bob apologizes for making Edward feel uncomfortable with the touchy-feely stuff, and even offers to be Edward's mentor, since Bob had one many moons ago when he started. Edward accepts and that's how chapter 2 ends.

There was so much whining I wanted to smack him. Being in his head gives me a headache. Oy.

Chapter 3: Paging Dr. Frankencock!
Wow, I'd forgotten that lovely nickname for Edward and his leviathan peen from The Red Line. I suppose it's a homage to how large his man junk is and whatnot, but all I can think about is a penis that looks like patchwork with stitching and different skin tones to complete the look. I'm a little grossed out, myself. Sorry if you are now, too.

Anywho, now we're in Bella's head. Slightly better, though there is still whining. She's thinking about her dad and how she had to leave him behind to be in WitSec with Edward in Podunk, Wyoming. Then she worries about how Edward needs therapy, and how he won't go see an actual licensed therapist. That line of thinking leads her to how she has to be all Dominatrix with him to get him to open up, which leads her to think about her sexual frustration. Good lord.

She manages to go on and talk about the idyllic campus of Casper College and how lovely and wonderful it is and has everything she needs to finish school. Oh, and it's super cheap because of Wyoming's exports. No one told me this. My life could be a lot better if I could have attended a fictional college in Wyoming that is dirt cheap. SallieMae wouldn't own my soul for eternity, that's for sure.

I digress. She gets home from school and has the warm fuzzies over playing house with Edward and Katie and how they're so connected: one feels bad and the other feels it, and Edward likes to hide his feelings. Shock! Awe! NO WAY!

Katie distracts her by babbling about school and the local ghost stories and how much fun she had. Then she goes on about what she learned about their new hometown and how Daddy needs to try out for the local baseball team (the Casper Ghosts. Original, yeah?), and how the town started with a bunch of Irish people back in the day. If that's TRUE in this made up world, why the hick accents, hmmmmmm? I'm not saying everyone should be talking with brogues about bangers and mash and cleaning the loo while drinking a pint of Guinness, but they aren't backwater hicks, as was stated in the last post. Whatever.

Ben, Katie's grandpa on her mom's side, is on the receiving end of a Katie fit because Christmas does NOT get abbreviated with an X at the beginning. We're treated to a little jesting on Ben's part about his Post-It addiction and leaving notes all over the house to remind himself of stuff. I do that all the time. Reminds me of the crap I need to get done and ignore to read fic and knit instead. It adds a little color to a room.

*GASP* The phone rings! This is a big deal for them in Bumfuck, Wyoming, because while they're in WitSec, the only time they get calls is from the po-po if something happens, or the doctor if someone is sick or whatever. Bella and Ben freak the fuck out because they're afraid their old lives are coming to get them, or maybe something horrible happened to Edward, and WOULDN'T THAT JUST SUCK A LOAD?!

Once the cop tells Bella everything is okay, nothing happened to Edward, he just lets her know that the marshalls will be dropping by for a visit the following evening and he wanted to give them a heads up. Once Bella is off the phone, Katie cries and Ben is freaking out saying he's going to pick Edward up from his job because everyone is so worried and freaked out now. Bella reassures Katie that everything is going to be okay and that Daddy worked really hard and fought a lot of bad people so they could get away and live in Tiny Town, Wyoming.

Once Katie and Bella finish their big talk about how nothing is going to happen and they're hopefully never going to move again (AWESOME.), Katie reveals how kids used to scream at her when she was still looking like the burn victim she was. This makes Bella cry and she promises that she'll always be there for her and so will Grandma Angela and Grandpa Ben.

The chapter gets a little lighter when Bella starts dinner and has an inner monologue about the different goofy names she calls Katie every day, citing that Ooop Ooop Ooplefski was her favorite so far. Uh-huh. I see that one sticking around forever. And ever. Freed Eagle and his daughter Ooop Ooop Ooplefski. Wonderful.

Edward comes home and freaks Katie out by pretending he worked himself so hard he died when she opened the door to let him in. Bella turns into excited-puppy-Bella at seeing her man come home, but then turns into bitter Bella when Edward pretty much ignores her to watch SpongeBob with Katie until dinnertime.


That's it for now, and BOY will chapters 4 & 5 be even better! Those will come next as a lump Recap Rant, hopefully sooner rather than later, and before she decides to update again! It's a little rough reading 6k+ words per chapter on a Palm Pixi screen and then skimming it again later to make sure I catch the good stuff for here!

Enjoy and leave some love and opinions on what you thought of the chapters or the recaps or whatever! :D